Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Try not to second-guess yourself too much. That’s what your future self, traveling backward in time to avert the apocalypse you’re going to cause, is there for.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
In an awkward situation, don’t be afraid to turn on the charm. Just remember, that android’s emotion-chip hasn’t been safely tested yet, so keep one finger on the off switch.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Horoscopes are always talking about Mars in retrograde, but they’re virtually silent on the topic of Martian Gatorade. There’s a lesson in that somewhere.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
This could be your moment to take things to a whole new level. But we’re sorry, Mario — our princess really is in another castle.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You’ll find that all of life’s little problems just melt effortlessly away. But so, too, does everything else when you’re sacrificed to that angry volcano god.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Unexpected opportunity finds you suddenly itching to try something new. Like, for instance, anti-itching cream.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Now is not the time for sweeping changes. You’re stuck with that one broom, Cinderella, and you might as well get used to it.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Never be afraid to practice what you preach. Be afraid of what the Great Old Ones will do to you if you don’t.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Always take fear and stress and worry out of the equation. They’re just proving you don’t really know how to do simple algebra after all.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
You may discover that you and your enemy have more in common that you initially thought. We are talking about your evil twin, after all.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You sometimes wonder about these horoscopes and worry they’re all just interchangeable nonsense.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You sometimes wonder about these horoscopes and worry they’re all just interchangeable nonsense.

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