Horoscopes (Autumn 2013)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars will spell out great success for you. Alas, the word the spelling bee judges asked you to spell was “onomatopoeia.” Goodbye, college scholarship!

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A short-lived panic at the office will have you acting like a chicken with its head cut off. Bleeding on the carpet and frightening small children. Maybe ask for a raise.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Remember, nothing is certain in this life except for death and taxes. Which is why you shouldn’t find it the least bit surprising to be attacked by zombie accountants.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
He who lives by the sword dies by the sword. Unless it’s Highlander II and he’s inexplicably alive again. But come on, if it’s Highlander II we’re all screwed.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
He who laughs last, laughs longest. Still I wouldn’t get too close to the Joker’s supply of nerve toxin, if I were you.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Time and tide wait for no man. Unless that man is Dr. Mysterio and his brand new time-traveling Jet Ski. But, really, what are the chances of that?

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You’ll soon have good news to share, but be careful: the walls have ears. And also eyes, hands, and gaping maws of ravenous, blood-dripping teeth. Your realtor probably should have mentioned that before you moved in.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You might sometimes feel like you’re not on solid ground. In which case — run! Shai-Hulud is likely burrowing up from beneath you!

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
It’s always nice when friends are there to light a fire under you. Being burnt alive at the stake for witchcraft can seem so impersonal otherwise.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Always give credit where credit is due. That horoscope up above about Highlander, for instance? That’s from Shakespeare.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
As you go through life, don’t pull any punches. Those robot boxers you’ll be up against certainly won’t, and the crowd loves a good fight.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Curiosity killed the cat. If you’re wondering how, just take a look inside this not at all suspicious looking box…

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