Horoscopes (Spring 2015)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Take heart! Things are looking up! At you, from below the earth, ready with sharp and hungry teeth, eager to devour!

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Take heart! Also: brain, kidneys, lungs, spleen — look, maybe you should just take the whole body and let Dr. Frankenstein figure it out.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You might find yourself easily distracted. Let’s be honest, nobody has to be Houdini to escape your attention lately.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Never put off until tomorrow what you can collapse the entire timeline around and avoid doing entirely.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You’re not one for emotional meltdowns. Nuclear meltdowns, on the other hand, are weirdly what get you out of bed in the morning.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The winds of change are blowing in your direction. Unfortunately, so too are the tornadoes of everything-stays-exactly-the-same.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
If wishes were horses, beggars would have horse meat for dinner.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You have nothing to Zamfir but Zamfir himself.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Every cloud has a silver lining. Sorry, werewolf hot-air balloonists.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
People often say that you have the gift of gab. Short for gabtainium, it actually comprises your entire endoskeleton, you freakish — but gifted! — mutant, you.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. At least not until you’re living in a post-apocalyptic barter town and need to amaze the locals with your knowledge of “before-time.”

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sometimes your life is more complicated than an OK Go music video.

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