Horoscopes (Winter 2012)

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Area police will be baffled by your insistence that you are, in fact, Batman. Whereas family and friends will simply want to know where you got the tights and cape.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A job well done is its own reward. You’ll just be disappointed looking for validation for your work from Dr. Frankenstein.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
A chance encounter this season could be the key to unlocking your heart. Or that cursed puzzle box leading to hell. It’s kind of a toss-up, really.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Now may be the time to rekindle the sparks of a long-lost romance, if not the sparks of that suspicious warehouse fire that brought the two of you together in the first place.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your future is as lofty as the boundless sky. Which is really just a nice way of saying you’re going to get pushed out of an airplane in the not too distant future.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
There are probably better ways to express your love and respect for the natural world than continually unleashing the hounds on unsuspecting villagers. Just so you know.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
The enticing call of distant lands will beckon you to follow. Which will seem cruelly ironic when you realize you’re still chained to that basement radiator with no means of escape.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
A difficult decision may require your two cents. Your release from police custody on bail following that decision, however, will require a considerably larger sum.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
An aura of mystery surrounds you this season. But that just means it’s maybe time to lay off those Columbo reruns for a while and finally get off the couch.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
You won’t always have the right answers to life’s little questions, but that’s no reason to start listening to the evil family of gnomes living in the janitor’s closet. (They’re just bluffing, too.)

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
When life hands you lemons, maybe it’s just life’s little way of saying you’re suffering from scurvy.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The appearance of the Moon in your sign could signal great joy and prosperity. Unfortunately, it could also signal your transformation into a murderous rampaging werewolf. But a joyous and prosperous rampaging werewolf!

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