Horoscopes

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Don’t be afraid to exercise a little restraint. Just because you have a zombie army that obeys your every command doesn’t mean you have to use it.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Perseverance is the key. The first sacrifice to the deranged monkey god is always the hardest.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
What seemed like a puzzle never to be solved is actually a complicated portal to a terrifying hell dimension. Live and learn.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Instead of spending all your time looking a gift horse in the mouth this week, try to figure out why in the world people keep giving you horses.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
This could be the time to finally toot your own horn—by which of course we mean making lewd and suggestive noises on the kazoo.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
If an idle mind is the devil’s playground, your brain right now would be the Disneyland of hell.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Sometimes, it seems like your left hand doesn’t know what your right hand is doing. At least not since that experimental surgery that replaced it with the hand of a serial killer.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Friends and colleagues are amused by your wit and charm, but even more so by your repeated cries of “Help! Help! I’m covered in deadly bees!”

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Just in case you were wondering how the new post-apocalyptic barter system is going to work.

Capricorn: (Dec 22—Jan 19)
Your thirst for knowledge continues to be surpassed only by your thirst for blood. But hey, you’re the one who wanted a PhD in vampirism.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
After a disastrous turn of events, the fates finally throw you a bone. Unfortunately, it’s one from your own leg.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A few simple words could be all that stand between you and success. But remember, the Dark One hates it when you stutter.

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